Monday, July 16, 2012

Dear America: A Letter From Barack Obama

Dear America,

You've had over 200 years to get America to where it should be. You have failed.
So now you have hired me to transform this country into what most of the world wants you to be, and with my help we will get there.
Let me break down what I have had to do for you so far...
--I had to create an environment of economic failure so that I could then come and bail you out. See, by doing this, you are now nestled into the loving arms of a large progressive government.
-- Your Constitution is old, outdated, and written by older white guys. It grants you too much freedom. See, you didn't know there was such a thing as too much freedom, so I had to teach you that. Too many of you were becoming successful. Your success meant that someone else was less successful. In progressive Europe this is unacceptable. So in order to create fairness I had to find ways around your beloved Constitution. You see, ruler's hands get tied by constitutions.
--You wouldn't let me put everyone directly on a government single-payer system. I was forced to create a funnel that would slowly pull everyone in. This wastes more time, but nonetheless soon your medical chart will need to be available to the government overseers. Please stop fighting this, The Supreme Court did, so should you.
--Finally, I had to gut your military, your NASA programs, and any other vestiges of a bygone era of what you referred to as "greatness". I had to weaken the border and at the same time make it harder for you to travel about the country. Again.. all of this was so you could feel the loving arms of a large progressive government that knows what is best for you and is moving you forward.


I am not done transforming America. You didn't get here by yourself. And you will not move "Forward" by yourself. Say goodbye to the America you were used to. Trust me, once you get used to it, mediocrity is not so bad.

Sincerely,
Barack Hussein Obama


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