Friday, July 02, 2010

My Conversation With Al Gore

I couldn't believe it happened. I had been calling Al Gore's publicist for weeks and had been ignored on all fronts. Then suddenly out of nowhere they granted me what so many others had been denied. I was going to interview Al Gore. I was told it would be brief. That was okay with me, because I really only had a few questions. He even agreed to travel to Wichita and me with me on my home turf. This interview came just as news broke that the Portland Oregon police were reopening his sexual assault case. We met at a Starbucks. I sat down at a table with Mr. Gore and his publicist/assistant Lance and I rolled tape..

The Life And Times: Hello Mr. Vice President. Can I get you anything to drink?

Al Gore: Just a black coffee would be fine.

TLAT: Venti?

Gore: Venti is fine. Thank you.

I return with the coffee. The interview begins.

TLAT: Ok let's get started. Mr. Gore, you have come under tremendous fire in the past couple of days. Allegations of sexual assault are swirling all over the news. Are you guilty of this crime?

Gore: Absolutely not. This is a bald-faced lie. I never had relations with that woman. I had a massage from a masseuse and nothing more. Her claims are baseless and I wasn't even in the room at the time...

TLAT: Wait a second, you just said that you did have a massage from a masseuse, how could you be "not in the room at the time"?

Gore: Who said I wasn't in the room?

TLAT: You just did.

Gore: When?

TLAT: Not ten seconds ago. I can play back the tape if you like. I mean did you get a massage or didn't you?

Gore: I did. But I was not in the room at the time she says the assault took place. I went down to fill up the ice bucket and get a Diet Mr. Pibb....

TLAT: And then the assault took place while you were gone?

Gore: Yes. Look, I was told by my publicist that this was a puff piece and we would be talking about the environment. Let's not get into who assaulted who?

TLAT: But I just have a few more...

Gore: Lance, get my things (Lance Germaine is his publicist).

TLAT: No sir.. I digress. I will talk about the environment.

Gore: Ok then, that's better. Remember I won a Nobel peace prize. You don't ambush a Nobel Peace Prize recipient with fairy tales about some made up massage and sexual assault. I have never even been IN a hotel before. The allegations are ridiculous. I am allergic to massages anyway. I break out in hives if anyone touches me, just ask Tipper. So this is just another republican trying to make a name for herself. Probably paid for by the people that want the globe to warm.

TLAT: Ok, I will leave it at that, although your story falls apart all over the place but..

Gore: Lance...

TLAT: Sorry.. Sorry I'll move on.

Gore: Alrighty then.

TLAT: Mr. Gore, You won a Nobel Peace Prize for a PowerPoint presentation you did about alleged man made global warming. How can you believe that mankind is causing the temperature of the earth to rise?

Gore: First of all we have to establish the fact that the temperature of the earth is rising. And it is.

TLAT: I agree with you there. There are ups and downs constantly over the years with the earth's...

Gore: Let me finish. The earth's temperature is rising at an alarming rate. Global temperatures are causing a number of catastrophic effects on our habitat. The heat is causing us to run our air conditioners which just exacerbates the problem. The polar ice caps have all but totally melted and polar bears are just about extinct. I checked the numbers a few hours ago and I think we are down to 12 of them. The remaining 12 found a piece of ice and are clinging for dear life on it while the world laughs. It's...

TLAT: Mr. Vice President if I may interrupt, that is ridiculous. The polar ice cap has a natural cycle of growth and shrinkage. And the notion that there are only 12 polar bears is patently absurd.

Gore: You can scoff all you want, but Lance has a guy who is up there everyday and he sends us the count on an hourly basis. Do you have a guy stationed in the Arctic counting bears for you?

TLAT: No I do not, but plenty of scientists are there and they....

Gore: Trust me, they don't count like our guy does. He is very good. But that's not the point. The point is we need everyone to buy carbon footprint offsets so that we can save our own lives.

TLAT: That was my next question. Are you not profiting from these offsets?

Gore: I don't take a dime of the money. I mean I do, but I take it and go do things that offset whatever the purchaser is doing to harm the environment.

TLAT: Could you explain please?

Gore: Well people go to algore.com and purchase a certain amount of offsets. For instance let's say that morning they released a gallon of harmful CO2 into the atmosphere, they can then go purchase an offset for $4,800 dollars and feel better knowing that the harm they did to the environment is absolved, almost like a priest absolves sins.

TLAT: So how does giving you $4,800 offset a "gallon", as you say, of CO2?

Gore: Well then Lance and I will take that money and use it to do stuff that is positive for the environment. Why, just last week we went to the Cayman islands and picked up 24 Styrofoam cups off the beach. See most people don't realize that the best way we can offset this stuff is by picking up trash off of exotic islands. We then take the trash and place it into the proper receptacle.

TLAT: Wow..Exotic beaches huh?

Gore: Oh, I hear that tone in your voice. You think Lance and I are flying down there and having fun. Well you're just wrong. We hate it. It takes time to go pick up that stuff. And we don't even have a nail fastened onto the end of a stick to just poke at the trash, we actually lean over and pick it up. But it's what we do because we love our planet. And there is no greater feeling than looking around to see a pristine beach that is Styrofoam cup free. It's this peace of mind that let's you know that your $5,200 dollars is going to preserve life.

TLAT: I thought it was $4,800?

Gore: It was, but it just went up while we were talking. It varies from hour to hour, just depends on how the environment is doing.

Lance Germaine: 10!!!!

TLAT: Excuse me?

Lance: Doug, our guy in the Arctic just texted me. Two polar bears fell off the piece of ice. We are down to 10 polar bears.

Gore: Wow, this is a development we had not planned on...

TLAT: I just have a few more..

Gore: Nope, No can do. Duty calls. Lance and I need to catch the red eye down to Fiji. We are going to need to get a quick start in the morning. Lance, I reckon we need to clean off 2 miles of beach to offset those two polar bears. This is tragic. Sorry, Eric but I gotta cut this short on you.

TLAT: Well my name is not Eric, it's Aaron. But I understand that the globe comes first. But if I could just ask a...

Gore: Glad you understand.. and that's what I told Tipper. I said, 'Honey, don't listen to the media, our separation has nothing to do with this chick who gave me the massage, my only mistress is mother earth, and she is demanding'.

At this point both the former Vice President and Lance start hurriedly packing up their things.

Lance: Let's roll Al.

Gore: ten-four, Get me another venti to go, will ya?

Lance: Got it boss.

Gore: Eric, we must part ways now, but thank you for the oppurtunity. Remember, algore.com. We accept Paypal, Visa, Mastercard, American Express, and Diner's Club. Mother Earth will be saved with your help.

TLAT: Thank you Mr. Vice President. Would you mind throwing away this cup for me on your way out?

Gore: No time Eric.. Come on Lance, let's bounce.

As they faded off in the distance I heard Al mentioning to Lance his desire to stop at a Walgreen's to get some sunscreen. And then they disappeared out the door.

And so ended my interview with the former Vice President. He didn't really answer any of my questions, he was very short with me. And I think Lance stole a dollar off my table. But all in all I think it was one of the top 5 interviews out of the 6 I've done in the history of this website.

1 comment:

Matthew Avitabile said...

You fool, you foolish fool!