Wednesday, September 30, 2009

What If You Get The Flu?

Here are some tips to help you if you get the flu this year.**

* Do not go to work. It makes the rest of us look bad when you continue to work hard through your illness. Now somehow I'm a "wuss" because I call in sick when I get the sniffles.

* Do not try to lower your temperature if you get a fever. You don't want to miss out on some awesome delusional hallucinations.

* If you cough do not leave your mouth uncovered unless you are near that one jerk that works in accounting.

* If you start to feel nauseated make sure you eat some Fruity Pebbles. When that stuff comes back up you are going to see colors you never knew existed.

* Pour chicken soup directly into the toilet to save time.

* Do not clog the emergency rooms in your city if you have the simple flu. Symptoms of the simple flu include, sneezing, coughing, stuffy nose, pain in left arm, tightness in chest, seizures, vomiting blood, and loss of limbs. You'll be fine.

* Feed a cold. Starve a fever. Punch a rash.

* Putting cough syrup on pancakes saves time.

Hope that helps.

** Don't actually use these tips.

Monday, September 28, 2009

10 Questions To Ask a Girl On a Date

These are questions that help me know if I am a match with a girl. If any of you girls want to answer in the comments, that would be fun. Don't assume I am looking for any certain answer.

1. Do you love to go dancing at clubs?

2. What or who would you say is at the center of your life?

3. Reality TV or sitcoms?

4. Do you own DVDs of, or do you regularly watch Sex And The City?

5. Are you conservative or liberal? Explain.

6. Why do you think marriages are falling apart on a grand scale in our society?

7. What is your biggest fear?

8. Are you a drinker, meaning do you ever drink? If so, when was the last time you were drunk?

9. Have you ever heard of Sam Cooke, Otis Redding, or Jackie Wilson?

10. When you stand in front of God and He asks you why he should let you in to heaven, what will you say?

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Sunday, September 27, 2009

How I Would Solve The Immigration Problem

A Rerun...

Ok this is a very simple solution to a complicated problem. Most likely my fellow conservatives would disagree with me on this one. But here's what we do:

Everyone in the U.S. as of today is allowed to stay and is granted citizenship. What's 5 million more people? Not that big of a deal. So, we are all given passports. We put up a fence around the borders with machine gun nests and maybe even a moat. No one gets in or out without a passport. And we document everyone that is here from Mexico and Canada. If we find you in the U.S. and you are undocumented then you have to go home immediately. Everyone here now is happy and we head off the rest at the pass.

Either that or we make Mexico the 51st state and we tax them to no end. j/k but at least we'd rake in the pesos that way.

Either way we have to do something. I'm not singing the national anthem with a Mariachi band and accordions.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Awkward Pyramid

Someone in the family ranks slightly lower than the family dog.

From the always great

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Ambulances Race to Robert Byrd's Home

Sources say he fell from standing up too fast. Did he stand up too fast or did he trip on his KKK imperial grand wizard robe?
Ambulances race to Robert Byrd's home - Manu Raju -

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Sunday, September 20, 2009

A Couple Of Observations

* I believe that churches need to start having after marriage counseling. They counsel them before, marry them, then forget about them until the divorce becomes public. I think once you are married you need a session every six months for a while. When you have open heart surgery they don't just send you home and forget about you.. The doctor actually wants to see the progress or decline so he can do more about it if he needs to. We need to be doing this with marriages.

* Facebook, even though I am an avid user, is killing society.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Gruesome Shark Attack Caught On Camera

I think the shark was more a jerk than anything else. But still.. Gruesome!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

The End Is Dear...

Everyone is freaking out over the environment, the wars, the hurricanes, and the earthquakes. The end is near is the claim. And I for one believe it. I also welcome it. Everywhere I look around me I see these disasters, they have shows devoted to them. But what they don't show is the disasters that are happening in marriages, families, and individuals. No one seems to be happy. Death, destruction, divorce, and depression is growing like fungus.

I am so ready for the Lord to come back and drop the A-bomb on it all. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a death wish. I just have a wish to see glory in my lifetime. If the Armageddon starts I would welcome it.

If anyone believes that America and the rest of the world are going to recover and we will create our own utopia here on earth.. think again. The ship is going down.. So I say, Praise the Lord, and pass the ammunition!

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Favorite Movie Quote Of All Time

The scene from The Jerk where they are laying in bed and she's asleep and he's whispering this to her...
"I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day. And then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it."

Friday, September 04, 2009

As Daylight Dies -- Killswitch Engage

The track commentary before the previous album came out. Always makes me laugh.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Two Points

* The death penalty.. I have decided that if I had a platform as a politician I would push for changing the appeals process. I think we need to make a fast track for obviously guilty capital murderers. It took 30 years to execute Carl Junior Isaacs after he and three other men randomly robbed and murdered almost the entire Alday family, 6 people in all, also including a heinous sexual assault of Mary Alday. It took 30 years, even though he tried to escape from prison numerous times and bragged many times that if he got out he would kill more of the Alday family. It should not have taken so long. I would love to change that.

* I strongly believe that we should keep the practice of lethal injection. I do however believe the syringe should be filled with nothing but air.

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