Wednesday, July 22, 2009

My Interview With Michael Moore

Michael Moore in 2004Image via Wikipedia

A look back at my conversation with the man who charms us all with his fictional, pretend movies...

The Arby's that I had agreed to meet documentarian Michael Moore at was fairly empty for a Thursday night. I asked the manager why the crowd was so sparse and he just asked me if I was going to order something. I ordered a potato cake and sat down at one of the booths. Thirty minutes later a rather large menacing shadow overtook the table I had chosen. There standing before me was Mr. Moore. He was taller than I had imagined. He had a blue t-shirt on with a pair of jeans. He was sporting what looked to be a three or four day stubble and of course he was wearing his trademark hat.
I started rolling tape for the interview...

TLAT: Good evening Mr. Moore, nice to finally meet you.

Michael Moore: Yeah, likewise...hey do you mind if I get dinner, I only had a pie earlier.

TLAT: absolutely, go for it. They have free refills here, it's nice.

MM: On Beef'n'Chedders?

TLAT: No on drinks.

MM: Oh, man, don't tease me like that.

At this point Moore goes to the counter to get his supper. I sit and ponder whether or not to leave in all of the references to food in my interview. I was trying my best to keep the subject off of making fun of Moore's weight. He returns to the booth, But sure enough just as he sits down his pants split wide open in the back.

TLAT: Oh man, that sucks.

MM: Ah no big deal, that's the third time today. My assistant buys pants for me at Sam's club in bulk.

TLAT: Wow, they sell pants in bulk at Sam's club?

MM: Yeah, they're over next to the sample ladies. Except I never see the sample ladies when I'm there, I think they hide in the back.

TLAT: I never knew.

MM: yep.

TLAT: Ok, Mr Moore before the 2004 election you released Fahrenheit 911 which was massively critical of the President, on The Life And Times we called you on the lies of this movie. Do you regret making it?

MM: Fejo meknuff efjoll giht.

TLAT: Excuse me?

MM: Fjiih Tre efjoll.

TLAT: I'd ask that you please swallow that bite before you speak.

MM Fjihh? Is that better?

TLAT: Much, thanks. Now should I repeat the question?

MM: No, what I was saying was that I don't regret making F911. In fact I wish I hadn't gone so easy on the president.

TLAT: What? You're saying that in Fahrenheit 911 you took it easy on Bush?

MM: Yeah, I didn't bring up anything about how he had blacks killed in Florida because they voted for Gore.

TLAT: But he DIDN'T have blacks killed in Florida because they voted for Gore.

MM: I know...and I didn't say anything about that. I could have, but I didn't.

TLAT: That would have been a lie.

MM: Look if this is too hard for you to understand I can just go.

TLAT: No, no. It's ok. You had threatened before F911 even came out that you would sue for slander, anyone that criticized your movie. Whatever happened to that?

MM: Well no legitimate criticism came in so I never had to "bust out my lawyers" so to speak.

TLAT: What are you talking about? Your movie was thoroughly debunked by everyone from children up to brilliant minds like Dick Morris.

MM: I never heard about it.

TLAT: Did you read a newspaper anytime after your movie came out?

MM: I can't read.

TLAT: Oh, well that would be why... Ok... You recently aligned yourself with Cindy Sheehan, the woman that lost her son in Iraq and then went on to oppose the war publicly. Do you believe that aligning yourself with Sheehan was the best thing for your cause?

MM: Sheehan was a real cash cow for me...ahem..I mean...uh. Can we strike that last sentence from the record?

TLAT: We aren't in a court trial here Michael.

MM: geez..ok..Well then by cash cow I meant that she hurt Bush and that's a real "Cash cow in my book".

TLAT: That makes no sense.

MM: Next question please.

TLAT: Fine. Your next documentary will be an expose' on the health care/health insurance industry. Do you think that it will be really that interesting to all of us?

MM: Oh I think so, who wouldn't want to hear about how Bush stole the Florida election, waged a war over oil, and occupied 2 countries?

TLAT: But that's the same premise as F911

MM: No it isn't. This one has a different title and everything.

TLAT: Well, it sounds fishy to me.

MM: Think what you want, I'm driving a new BMW and bought a new house because of the popularity of Fahrenheit 911 so obviously the movie is true and Bush is a lying tyrant. Plus I got a call from Jane Fonda thanking me for making it. Can you believe that? A woman talked to me. I got so excited that I ate a cheesecake or two.

TLAT: Well just because Jane Fonda thanked you for making the movie doesn't make the movie true.

MM: But it doesn't not make it not true.

TLAT: Huh?

MM: Look I gotta get going. I have another interview over at Burger King with Larry King in half an hour.

TLAT: Fine. Thanks for giving me a chance to ask a few questions.

MM: Anytime. I'm quite fond of the work you do over at MSNBC.

TLAT: But I'm not with MSNBC. I run a blog called The Life And Times that is read by over 4 people a day. Did your assistant not tell you this?

MM: I understood you were with MSNBC.

TLAT: Nope. I don't even have cable.

MM: Then I'm outie five thousand.

TLAT: I had no idea anyone still said "outie five thousand".

MM: Shutup

TLAT: You do realize that this will all be printed on my site?

MM: So

TLAT: homosaywhat?

MM: Nice Try. I'm so gone!

TLAT: Bye.

And those were the last words Michael Moore said to me as I exited the Arby's. I hope my future interviews go much smoother.

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Anonymous said...

hi.. just dropping by here... have a nice day!

Matthew Avitabile said...

Endeavor: Endeavor talent agency

Bud: Michael Moore, please.

MM: Michael Moore.

Bud: Hey Michael.

Phil: Michael, I wanted to talk to you.

[hangs up]

Bud: What a jackball. He don't wanna talk-a-you.