* In college Obama once bravely tried to talk a man from jumping off of a 15 story ledge. But then Obama's teleprompter failed so the guy jumped anyway.
* At my funeral I want people to bat around a beach ball the entire time. You can't leave until you keep it in the air for 5 minutes.
* Long John Silvers is the fish restaurant where the chicken, shrimp, and fish all taste exactly the same and everything is deeply fried. Even my Diet Coke was deep fried.