Saturday, February 28, 2009

Paul Harvey R.I.P.

Some of my best childhood memories were our frequent family trips to Paris, Tennessee. Some of most vivid memories from those trips were in the car in the backseat.. it was noon and it was time for Paul Harvey. Paul Harvey created the radio news industry out of thin air. He came on and delivered the news in a way that was just fun to listen to.. And he set the bar so high for others who came after him. I appreciate his life and his Christian inspiration. He will be missed.... Paul Harvey... Good Day!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Obama Will Save Us... Dry Those Tears..

Just close your eyes and Hope...

NOW... Go look outside and look what is falling from the sky!

And Obama called me last night and told me that under his new plan we will all have jobs as postal workers! We are saved!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Unfortunate Television Ad

How do they not catch that? Maybe it's just our sick minds these days!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

My Pledge

Al Gore is a lying chump.
There have been a multitude of articles that have come out in the past few years that confirm that being pretentious about buying organic food, or recycling only shows that you are gullible.
The article entitled 5 Ways People Are Trying to Save the World (That Don't Work)helps solidify my opinion that this world is ours to ravage. We need to be cautious and not careless but that doesn't mean we cave to liberals that want to control us with lies about the earth and how fragile it is.

So I am making my pledge to myself today...
* I will NOT sift through my trash to separate stuff for recycle.
* I will NOT buy organic foods on purpose.. ever.
* I will NOT buy a carbon footprint or sign any petition to stop so called 'man made global warming'
* I will NOT switch to earth friendly fluorescent light bulbs.. I hate those things.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Time For A Joke

A Magician was doing his stage show in front of a big audience but saw he wasn't getting anywhere. After trying all the 'tricks', in desperation, he called a big, muscular man out of the audience.

"Sir, I'd like you to take this 20 pound sledge hammer and hit me as hard as you can right in the head."

The man refused.

The magician then said, "Sir, I am a professional. This is the Greatest Illusion. Besides, there are hundreds of witnesses, hit me as hard as you can right in the head with the hammer."

The man shrugged, did it, and the Magician went flying across the stage, hit the wall, and immediately fell into a coma. He was rushed to the hospital, and remained in the coma for years.

Ten years later, he came out of the coma, looked around, and said "Ta DA!!"

Friday, February 20, 2009

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Updating My Resume...

I need help folks. I am trying to update my resume and I can't remember all my jobs and education and stuff. You guys know me.. If you think of something I am missing, let me know. Here's what I have so far...

* 2009-Present Biologist. One step away from finding the cure for cancer. I think the only thing left it needs is some antioxidants and just a pinch of nutmeg.

* 2008-present FBI. Brought down a drug lord smuggling drugs in his body cavity from over the Mexican border. Gave him Metamucil and we recovered 15 kilos of dope and what I think is... Oh man... I'd rather not talk about it.

* 2006-2008 NASA. Successfully figured out the Pluto is too puny to still be called a planet... got that sucker downgraded!

* 1999-2001 New York Philharmonic Symphony, Conductor. Conducted two popular pieces during that time. One of which was Hot Cross Buns in A minor and the other the Theme from Titanic.

* 1992-1996 U.S. Army Rangers. Successfully ended the first Gulf War when I snuck into Saddam's palace and made him keep hitting himself with his own arm while chanting "Quit hitting yourself!" until he agreed to pull out of Kuwait.

* 1990-Present Blog Writer. Won a Pulitzer prise for best journalistic writing for articles on this blog. Not bad for an autistic kid with a lazy eye!

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Marvin Gaye Acapella

This is actually just the song Heard It Through The Grapevine with the music track removed.. But just listen to that voice. He was untouchable...

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Things I Can Accomplish In The Next 60 Days....

I have 60 days of job hunting and relaxation. Here's what I will finally get done...

* Go in to Wal-Mart and greet people on my own for 24 hours straight while helping myself to grapes and cheese.

* I'm going to finally get around to picking up those kids I adopted last year. I hope someone has been feeding them.

* Complete my collection by purchasing the last 3 seasons of Mama's Family on DVD.

* Change facts around on my Facebook page so that people think I am a Korean War Hero.

* Going to attempt to build a Hawker Business Jet on my own using common household items. Nail clippers and toothpicks mostly.

* Check into Rehab for my Diet Coke addiction and my habit of chewing on paper.

* Attempt to get a cat at the humane society while wearing a bib and holding a fork and a knife.

* Clean up after myself more... or at least train the rats to take out the garbage.

So see I have things going on.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

New Fun Fact

* America's children are so obese that the tradition of kids playing cops and robbers has been replaced by playing desk cops and online identity thieves.

* Okay the above joke was stolen from the Conan O'Brein show.. but I laughed so hard that I needed to use it on here.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Fun Fact

I don't have voices in my head, but if I did I would tell them to help me with the laundry right now or I quit wearing the tin foil hat that stops the government from reading my mind.