Sunday, July 29, 2007

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Things I Still Need To Do..

1. Just walk up during church to the pulpit while the pastor is preaching and whisper in his ear, "your fly is open." And maybe his fly is open, and maybe it isn't. But when he looks down and his fly isn't open I will just say, "well, it isn't now, but it never hurts to check, Am I right pastor?" I betcha anything that congregation will applaud at my statement.

2. Sneak across the border into Mexico and take one of the high paying jobs that regular Mexicans are simply unwilling to take.

3. Go to the moon in a homemade rocket. I want to spend millions of dollars crafting a one man rocket, using it to travel to the surface of the moon, get out and walk around for a few minutes, shout something stupid like "I can see my house from here!", climb back into my one man rocket ship, and then come home before dinner. If I get lost on the way home I have Google Earth to guide me!

4. Lose a leg in a mining accident. Because you would never be without a cool story to tell!

5. Rent out the zoo for myself. I like to go to the zoo, but the other people are so distracting.. So I'm going to pay the thousands of dollars to rent out the zoo for just myself for one day. I betcha anything I'd get mauled to death in the goat feeding area.

6. Go to the public library in just my boxers and a t-shirt. When the security guard asks me to leave, I'll say..."But the sign up front says pants are optional." When he tells me "Sir, there is no sign that says that.", I'll say "Sir you need to lower your voice, this is a library." I betcha anything he just says "Good point!" and then we both go about our business.

Ok, I needed to just get one of these nonsense posts out of the way. It was overdue. So Sorry!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

This May Sound Stupid

No one says "sike" anymore and that is a travesty.

If I were Asian I would embrace my stereotypes and do math problems all day long and play ping pong all night. Also if I had time I would go to an amusment park, but since I would be Asian I would be too short to ride any of the rides. Sucks!

Taft was the fattest president. William Henry Harrison died 30 days into his term. Teddy Roosevelt used to be part of the rough riders. Aaron Stigall went to West High and had a big nose.

Remember when we used to believe that if you swallowed a piece of gum it took 15 years to digest? I'd just now be passing that piece of Bazooka that I chewed that one day back in middle school.

Don't bring that weak tot action!

Is there anything more disgusting than cooked carrots? I'm not sure if I could even get one down.

In the cartoons there is always an escalator that you ride when you die and go up to heaven. I know that just my luck that day it'll be out of order and I'm going to have to walk all the way up.

Did you know Llamas really spit on people? So do I if provoked.

There are more smashed squirrls on the streets of Wichita then there are people. I almost guarentee it.

I came to get down...Yes, that's right....I came to get I suggest that you get out your seat and jump around.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Sufjan Stevens -- John Wayne Gacy Jr.

Some might find this song offensive. Some say it is sympathetic to one of the worst serial killers in American history. And that the lyrics aren't subtle enough. But I get what he was trying to convey with the lyrics. The last line is what sums up the entire point...

His father was a drinker
And his mother cried in bed
Folding John Wayne's T-shirts
When the swingset hit his head
The neighbors they adored him
For his humor and his conversation
Look underneath the house there
Find the few living things
Rotting fast in their sleep of the dead
Twenty-seven people, even more
They were boys with their cars, summer jobs
Oh my God

Are you one of them?

He dressed up like a clown for them
With his face paint white and red
And on his best behavior
In a dark room on the bed he kissed them all
He'd kill ten thousand people
With a sleight of his hand
Running far, running fast to the dead
He took off all their clothes for them
He put a cloth on their lips
Quiet hands, quiet kiss
On the mouth

And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floorboards
For the secrets I have hid

Monday, July 23, 2007

Kids Gone Wild

My nephew and Nieces at my parents shortly after the birth of little Molly. The cuteness factor is off the charts!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

This May Sound Stupid

Why isn't ice fishing in the winter olympics?

I have got to start working on some of my invention ideas. That florescent light bulb changer isn't going to invent itself.

Hitler was a jerk!

Why don't people name their sons Huey or Seymore anymore?

I am going back to college very soon. I need to go to walmart and get supplies. Should I get the 64 count box of crayons or will the 16 count do?

I remember that they would make us by watercolor paint for school. And then we would use it only like once a year. What a waste.

I am as manly as they come....but there are some nights that I want to put on a mud mask and a shower cap, get in a bubble bath, read The Notebook and have myself a good cry.

Do you go to walmart because of the savings...or because of the fact that your allowed to wear a tube top and no shoes? I think it's a little of both for me.

Next time I go to the bank to get some cash out of my account and the teller asks me how I would like my cash back....just for fun I'm going to ask for only 50 cent pieces and 2 dollar bills. When she says, "Sir we don't keep 2 dollar bills on the premisis." I'm going to say.."Well then maam, my banking needs aren't being met, are they? So if you don't mind, I'll be cashing my checks at Dillion's from now on." I'll then say "yoink" when I grab my check back and then I will skip out of the bank. Probably I won't do any of that...but a guy can dream can't he?

When I was a kid I always wanted a pet monkey....even after I learned that they throw their own poo.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Molly Sue Martin

I am an uncle once again!

From right to left.. McKenzie, Mitchell, Megan, and introducing... Molly!!!
Congrats Bethany(my big sis) and J.L.!

This May Sound Stupid

Barry Manilow is lying...I am the one that writes the songs that make the whole world sing.

What do you wish your name would have been? I always wished that I had been named Donovan. Or maybe Maurice. Or possibly Harold.

What's the grossest food in the world...other than sloppy joes?

They say there is a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. I think that instead of a pot of gold there is a bowl of Doritos.

There's a snake in my boot.

It's 10:51 on Wednesday night. I think it might be time for Jello.

I am not ok with slavery. Just for the record.

Would you rather have fingers tips that spray spaghetti or one million dollars worth of stamps?

What is the best candy bar? Besides Twix of course.

Canada is like America's younger brother. I think we should go and give them a swirlee.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

This May Sound Stupid

I've been pondering and thinking about it for years. But after years of mulling it over I have decided that my favorite appliance would have to be the electric can opener. It opens cans electrically and I think that is just a-ok in my book.

If a genie came out of a magic lamp and granted me one wish I would strongly consider wishing for a bottomless eternal bag of chocolate cookies. mmmmm cookies.

Who would play you in the movie about your life? I think that David Duchovney would play me. But in reality it'd probably be Screech from Saved By The Bell.

Is it gay that I watch Dancing With The Stars?

This computer is making me mad. If my computer had a face I would slap it.

I think most of us in life are waiting for one thing....That's right...A Michael Bolton reunion tour. That man is magic.

I love Michael Bolton because he brings joy and hope to the masses and he does this with time, love and tenderness.

When Michael Bolton sings 'When A Man Loves A Woman' babies laugh, children dance, and grown men have been known to openly weep. Count me amongst the latter.

Michael Bolton called me and told me to stop writing about him, so I guess I better comply or his goons are gonna come "rough me up." What a jerk. A magical jerk.

Why can't penguins fly? I think they aren't really even trying.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Bring It On Home To Me

This songs owns big time. Sam Cooke got together with Lou Rawls and one of the greatest songs of all time was made. Turn your speakers up, close your eyes, and just feel it! Sam was the man!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

This May Sound Stupid

I decided that I'm not going to pay my taxes anymore. But don't worry because I'm going to send the IRS a fruit basket and a $5 Mcdonalds gift card.

It's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing milk bone underwear. -- Norm

I think the question we have all been asking is how come Cheez-It's© haven't made a cereal yet. I would be the first in line to buy new Cheez-It Flakes.© Stays Cheezy in milk!™

My macaroni and cheese intake so far this month is reaching dangerous levels. Far beyond the legal limit.

A baby seal walks into a club.

Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit freebasing nosespray.

Let me shave your grandmothers beard!

Let's hope the writers of show Lost don't make the same mistake that the Gilligan's Island creators made. I don't think Lost will end well if they get rescued and then come back to the island later on and open a resort with the Harlem Globetrotters.

I am never going back to Joyland. It's a joyless land filled with unkept rides and dirty carnies. Plus the Wacky Shack was neither wacky nor was it a shack. Discuss.

Is there any reason why the government can't give us all Humvees????

Friday, July 13, 2007

Kamp Krusty

I laugh so hard every time I watch this. It was a great episode. I love how the camp is on the shores of Big Snake lake and below Mount Avalanche...and the fact that they are forced to sing the trademark at the end is just hilarious...

Thursday, July 12, 2007

This May Sound Stupid

I'm thinking about becoming a WWF wrestler but I can't find a unitard that fits plus I'm not sure if the name the "The Stigall-i-nator" is really all that tough sounding.

Now I have the respiratory flu. I had the stomach crud last week and now this. What's next...rickets or scurvy??

A few days ago on the Price Is Right an older woman was spinning the big wheel and after a big spin she lost her balance and fell and hit her head on the wall next to the wheel....true story. The only thing I could think of was...Finally! After all these years my loyal watching of the PiR finally just paid off!

If I were on the Price Is Right and I made it to the big wheel I would walk up and spin it backwards...I just want to see how angry Bob would get.

Yeah, I could've played in the NFL...But I gotta stop living in the past and think of the future.

I completely regret joining the Russian mafia.

That new Spangles commercial with the corny song is so annoying that every time I hear it I want to run out of my apartment and just start punching people in the face....Just like when I bite my tongue.

Every year Dick Clark has the the most trendy pop bands on his 'Rockin New Years Eve'. I think it'd be hilarious if they had a metal band on there. Just once I would love to hear Dick Clark say..."That was Hillary Duff with her latest hit and now ladies and gentlemen here's Cannibal Corpse."

When I had a fever last week during my bout with the flu I was starting to get delirious. At one point I was convinced that I heard my computer sneeze.

There is an old Russian proverb that says, "Â ðåçóëüòàòå óäàðà âîéñê" and I really try to live my life by it.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Lightning Strike!

07/9/07 I just about got struck by lightning. I saw the rain, I grabbed my camera, and then this happened...

Scared me worse than it looked.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Why I'm Getting Rid Of Cable

I have had cable off and on for the the past few years. Well I'm done with it. It's nothing but bad reality shows and UFO documentaries. The network has the shows I need and the rest of it is just heavily edited rubbish.
Of course there are exceptions to the rule. The History channel is generally what I like to watch. I got so sick of "reality shows" that I turned to actual reality. So I will miss that. But I can't justify spending fifty bucks a month for one channel.

So what did I do?
I cut off my cable and I went out and snatched up an XM Radio subscription.
First off, it's a fraction of the price. I'm paying $7.95 a month! Second, it's awesome! It's 24 hours of about 170 radio channels with very little commercial interruption.

Here's my favorite stations...

Channel 9 -- Nineties Hits
Channel 20 -- Current Top 20 Hits
Channel 27 -- Movie Soundtracks
Channel 42 -- Heavy Metal
Channel 43 -- Indie/College/Unsigned
Channel 48 -- New Hard Rock
Channel 60 -- Classic Soul
Channel 121 -- Fox News
Channel 151 -- Clean Comedy
Channel 166 -- Right Wing Talk
Channel 170 -- Christian Talk

It's so nice to be able to get other things done while I'm listening to the radio. With TV I am a zombie. Now I can finally get to some of that cross stitching I've been lagging behind on. ;)

Sunday, July 08, 2007

This May Sound Stupid

I think bacon should become the official meat of the USA. It's so good. Bacon should be our new currency.

Everyone has finals this week. So in honor of those in finals I am going to watch a lot of Jeopardy and do a ton of crossword puzzles. I'm really nervous.

If King Kong ever tries to terrorize Wichita, then forget it, I'm moving to Kechi. Nothing bad ever happens in Kechi.

I smell pie.

Would you rather have eternal bad breath or a forever runny nose?

Who you tryin to get crazy with ese? Don't you know I'm loco?

I heard a woman tell her spouse this weekend: "I'll slap you so hard you're gonna need a face transplant." And I laughed till I cried.

My mom taught me that whenever there is trouble, just curl up in a little ball on the ground and nothing bad can happen to you.

I'm going to put a baby duck in a headlock today just because I can....Take that PETA!!!

It is a myth that Carmex has fiberglass in it so that people get addicted to it...But it is true that Carmex contains triptophan so that's why you get sleepy after you use it.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Save Me From Myself

Got this word for word from my good friend Benji's blog: amazing grey city
Brian “Head” Welch, former guitarist for the band “Korn” has a book out about his life and how he trusted in Christ, quit the band, drugs, etc. I haven’t read it yet, but “Save Me from Myself: How I Found God, Quit Korn, Kicked Drugs, and Lived to Tell My Story” looks interesting. Here’s a description:

The amazing true story of an out-of-control rock star, his devastating addiction to drugs, and his miraculous redemption through Jesus Christ.

In February 2005, more than ten thousand people in Bakersfield, California, watched as Brian “Head” Welch—the former lead guitarist of the controversial rock band Korn—was saved by Jesus Christ. The event set off a media frenzy as observers from around the world sought to understand what led this rock star out of the darkness and into the light.

Now, in this courageous memoir, Head talks for the first time about his shocking embrace of God and the tumultuous decade that led him into the arms of Jesus Christ. Offering a backstage pass to his time with Korn, Head tells the inside story of his years in the band and explains how his rock star lifestyle resulted in an all-consuming addiction to methamphetamines. Writing openly about the tour bus mayhem of Ozzfest and The Family Values tour, he provides a candid look at how the routine of recording, traveling, and partying placed him in a cycle of addiction that he could not break on his own.

Speaking honestly about his addiction, Head details his struggles with the drug that ultimately led him to seek a higher power. Despite his numerous attempts to free himself from meth, nothing—not even the birth of his daughter—could spur him to kick it for good. Here Head addresses how, with the help of God, he emerged from his dangerous lifestyle and found a path that was not only right for his daughter, it was right for him.

Discussing the chaotic end to his time in Korn and how his newfound faith has influenced his relationship with his daughter, his life, and his music, Head describes the challenging but rewarding events of the last two years, exposing the truth about how his moments of doubt and his hardships have only deepened his faith.

Candid, compelling, and inspirational, Save Me from Myself is a rock ‘n’ roll journey unlike any other.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

This May Sound Stupid

And you hoped I was all out of these...

I've always wanted to be a cop, but only because I've always wanted to pull out a gun and yell "Freeze scumbag!" When I try it on a stranger in the street it doesn't have the same effect.

I used to get spanked for not eating my carrots. And still to this day I'd rather take a beating then eat a cooked carrot. Carrots are for rabbits. Trix are for kids.

You've found the marble in the oatmeal...Now you get to drink from the fire hose!

I've always wanted to put on a suit and a fancy name tag and go into a McDonalds and tell the employees that I am from the corporate offices and that I am here to observe to make sure things are being run properly...I'd sort of walk around and look at stuff and then write on a legal pad. But then I would just stand there eating fries out of the fry bin for like two hours.

Confession.... I used to pour glue all over my hands and fingers in elementary school just so I could have the privilege of peeling it off after it dried. Don't act like you didn't do that too.

My couch is seriously close to falling apart. That's the last time I buy furniture from a Family Dollar store.

Have I ever mentioned how much I can't stand Manheim Steamroller? Please make it go away.

I'm thinking about getting a metal blade surgically implanted in my arm in case I ever have to go to prison. I'm not going out getting shanked in the court yard.

Do you realize how hard it is to find socks for a gerbil in this town?

Monday, July 02, 2007