* The grossest thing about playing basketball with a bunch of guys is not knowing whether the sweat all over you is your own or everyone elses.
* I find it very disturbing that my main talent is doing a perfect imitation of a cricket. How can I use that talent to get ahead in life? I suppose I could make a cd of cricket sounds and sell it to fishermen who could play it from their boat to lure fish closer. Or perhaps I could do the sound effects for a broadway play. Nah, mainly I just use it to impress girls.
* After I mowed the lawn tonight at church, I realized that I swallowed enough grass to make a salad. Next time I'm bringing some ranch dressing to squirt in my mouth while I drive around on the mower.
* Have any of you had a Quik Trip hot dog lately? Man, are they good! It's like the poor man's gourmet meal... Oh who am I kidding, I am sooo white trash!
* I kick cats.
* How come when men get old they start wearing their pants higher and higher up on their waist? You know it's getting bad when your belt on your pants hurts you because it's digging into your nipple.
* I didn't use to sweat...Now I take one step outside in the heat and it looks like I've been jump roping in the attic all day. About 3 minutes later my deodarent gives out under the pressure. It's a sad state of affairs. But it's good for me.
* Would you rather be able to sharpen pencils in your nose, or have a belly button that despenses ketchup?
* There are 3 things that our country needs to do....
1. Make daylight savings time permanent year round.
2. Get rid of the current, bloated tax system and adopt the simple, fair, and economy boosting flat tax.
3. Bush should appoint Evangaline Lily to be secretary of the department of hotness.
* Is it just me or is Elton John gay?