* My favorite room in my house is my bathroom. I get to get clean, use the restroom, shave, and it has the best guitar acoustics ever. I can soak my feet in the bathtub while playing Stairway To Heaven.
* It rained so hard today that I saw a midget cross Oliver street in a kayak. What a sight it was!
* Your momma is so fat that when I accused her of being fat to her face she didn't deny it. Booyah!
* I have Poison Ivy. And guess what, It has spread to my eye, my neck, my arms, and yes even my foot. I'll pay any one of you 8 dollars to come scratch my face with a board with a nail in the end of it...thank you.......very much!
* I woke up this morning and my eye was swollen shut. I looked like I had just gotten into a fight with Mike Tyson and lost. I chose not to go to the doctor but I will on Monday if it isn't any better. It's all from this posion ivy. Posion ivy is evil and I want to punch it. Whoa...nevermind punching posion ivy will just make it worse for me..don't touch it. Instead I will spray it with stuff that kills it. People, if you see the evil ivy...RUN! Don't try and be the big hero and wrestle with it like I did..It will win every time.
* Day 3 of eye explosion 2005.
* Day 5 of poison eye-vee. It's starting to clear up a little. The doctor told me I should opt for the shot. But I don't want to pay to get a shot when the rash is fixin to clear up on its own. I'm never going outside again...I'm going to baracade myself in my apartment and have Kraft send me macaroni and cheese through a shoot and into my kitchen.
* I finally got rid of the worst part of poison ivy-fest 2005. I still am itching like a crack addict. I get home from work around 6 and scratch until I go to bed at 2 am. By the way, the offer still stands...anyone can come get 8 dollars for scratching me with a resty nail in a splintered board. Do you take trevelers cheques?
* What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a democrat?
.....a vacuum cleaner you have plug in before it starts to suck.
* If you can avoid it, don't ever go to the tag office. The Kansas Tag office is the next worst thing to the DMV. Bring a newspaper or a full length novel cause you will be there for a fortnight. Better yet, go buy a Mp3 player like I did, everyone else was bored but not me because I was listening to some Air Supply.