Monday, June 26, 2006

My Conversation With Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, The President Of Iran

It's been a while since I had interviewed anyone so I was a little nervous when I got the call from Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's secretary giving the Ok for the talk. My past interviews with Bono, Michael Moore, and Cindy Sheehan were amateurish at best. But nonetheless I decided to suck it up and go a round with one of the biggest tyrants in the news.
After the secretary put me on hold there was a fifteen minute wait. Suddenly a heavily accented voice in slightly broken English picked up.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Good afternoon, Iran, this is Mahmoud, How are you?

TLAT: Mr. Ahmadinejad, I'm Aaron from The Life And Times, I'm good, and yourself?

MA: Awesome, how are you today?

TLAT: Good

MA: I'm good too.

TLAT: Good.

MA: Awesome.

TLAT: Sweet. First off what shall I call you during our discussion?

MA: Call me sir of course!

TLAT: You got it big guy!

MA: Sweet!

TLAT: Ok, Are you a maniacal tyrant that is playing around with nuclear weapons?

MA: Well that seems to be the wrap against me but I'm not so sure that it holds that much water. I mean I am a crazy maniacal tyrant...Yes. And I am playing around with nuclear weapons...Yes. But can you really connect the two?

TLAT: Well people are less apt to trust you with nuclear weapons when you have a history of trying to wipe other countries off the map.

MA: I see your point but I still don't see what all of that has to do with me. I'm a simpleton; a small president with a heart for the people. And I categorically reject the lie that I have ever shown a desire to wipe any country off the map.

TLAT: Sir, just recently you did just that with Israel.

MA: Lies! I said I wanted to push the Jews into the sea. The country itself will still be there but we just want to use it for storage.

TLAT: I see what you mean, the wording is totally different.

MA: See.

TLAT: I do see.

MA: And furthermore I detest your claim that I shot that guy last year for defecting from Iran.

TLAT: Sir I never said anything about shooting a guy.

MA: Well you said it without words. I could tell what you were getting at?

TLAT: Huh?

MA: By the way can you tell me who won your countries contest that is called American idol?

TLAT: Yeah, it was Taylor Hicks.

MA: Well Sweet death to America! He was my pick from the beginning. I had Soul Patrol t-shirts made for all of my staff. It warms my heart to see the gray haired infidel win.

TLAT: So you enjoy American television?

MA: Death to American television!! No, but who can resist that show? I mean it's way better than Iran Idol.

TLAT: Who won that one?

MA: Some guy name Mohammed of course.

TLAT: Of course.

MA: Half of us over here are named Mohammed. It's insane. But really it's no different than your country where half the kids born are either Cooper or Jaden.

TLAT: Good point. So what song did the winner of Iran Idol pick as their first single?

MA: Oh, It's a good one... it's called 'I Love Your Jihad Baby'. It's all they play on the radio here.

TLAT: Ok, Do you plan to nuke Israel?

MA: Oh, maybe I will, maybe I won't, but one thing for sure is I probably will.

TLAT: So you will nuke Israel?

MA: I won't nuke Israel, unless I do nuke Israel...let's put it that way.

TLAT: I see....I think. So are you glad that Saddam was taken out of power in Iraq? Does it benefit or hurt you?

MA: Heck yeah I'm glad, that guy was a jerk wad.

TLAT: You know for a guy living in the middle of the desert over in Arab land you sure seem to have American sounding sayings.

MA: We talk how we want around here. Some punk gets all up in your face and you got to represent, because streets is watching...word?

TLAT: That is so true.

MA: You know it man.

TLAT: So are you gonna try to destroy half the world or what?

MA: Ah ah ah...A master never reveals his plan. Let's just say I'm not, not going to destroy half the world.

TLAT: That makes no sense.

MA: Sense is what makes itself.

TLAT: Huh?

MA: Oh, I'm out...Hell's Kitchen is on and I never miss an episode.

TLAT: But I have just one more.....

MA: Good day sir.

TLAT: But I...


TLAT: Bye.

MA: See ya.

And so my interview ended. Unfortunately I think it was one of my worst. I got no straight answers and he basically mouthed off the whole time. What a jerk wad.

No comments: