It's been a while since I had interviewed anyone so I was a little nervous when I got the call from Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's secretary giving the Ok for the talk. My past interviews with Bono, Michael Moore, and Cindy Sheehan were amateurish at best. But nonetheless I decided to suck it up and go a round with one of the biggest tyrants in the news.
After the secretary put me on hold there was a fifteen minute wait. Suddenly a heavily accented voice in slightly broken English picked up.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Good afternoon, Iran, this is Mahmoud, How are you?
TLAT: Mr. Ahmadinejad, I'm Aaron from The Life And Times, I'm good, and yourself?
MA: Awesome, how are you today?
MA: I'm good too.
TLAT: Sweet. First off what shall I call you during our discussion?
MA: Call me sir of course!
TLAT: You got it big guy!
TLAT: Ok, Are you a maniacal tyrant that is playing around with nuclear weapons?
MA: Well that seems to be the wrap against me but I'm not so sure that it holds that much water. I mean I am a crazy maniacal tyrant...Yes. And I am playing around with nuclear weapons...Yes. But can you really connect the two?
TLAT: Well people are less apt to trust you with nuclear weapons when you have a history of trying to wipe other countries off the map.
MA: I see your point but I still don't see what all of that has to do with me. I'm a simpleton; a small president with a heart for the people. And I categorically reject the lie that I have ever shown a desire to wipe any country off the map.
TLAT: Sir, just recently you did just that with Israel.
MA: Lies! I said I wanted to push the Jews into the sea. The country itself will still be there but we just want to use it for storage.
TLAT: I see what you mean, the wording is totally different.
TLAT: I do see.
MA: And furthermore I detest your claim that I shot that guy last year for defecting from Iran.
TLAT: Sir I never said anything about shooting a guy.
MA: Well you said it without words. I could tell what you were getting at?
MA: By the way can you tell me who won your countries contest that is called American idol?
TLAT: Yeah, it was Taylor Hicks.
MA: Well Sweet death to America! He was my pick from the beginning. I had Soul Patrol t-shirts made for all of my staff. It warms my heart to see the gray haired infidel win.
TLAT: So you enjoy American television?
MA: Death to American television!! No, but who can resist that show? I mean it's way better than Iran Idol.
TLAT: Who won that one?
MA: Some guy name Mohammed of course.
TLAT: Of course.
MA: Half of us over here are named Mohammed. It's insane. But really it's no different than your country where half the kids born are either Cooper or Jaden.
TLAT: Good point. So what song did the winner of Iran Idol pick as their first single?
MA: Oh, It's a good one... it's called 'I Love Your Jihad Baby'. It's all they play on the radio here.
TLAT: Ok, Do you plan to nuke Israel?
MA: Oh, maybe I will, maybe I won't, but one thing for sure is I probably will.
TLAT: So you will nuke Israel?
MA: I won't nuke Israel, unless I do nuke Israel...let's put it that way.
TLAT: I see....I think. So are you glad that Saddam was taken out of power in Iraq? Does it benefit or hurt you?
MA: Heck yeah I'm glad, that guy was a jerk wad.
TLAT: You know for a guy living in the middle of the desert over in Arab land you sure seem to have American sounding sayings.
MA: We talk how we want around here. Some punk gets all up in your face and you got to represent, because streets is watching...word?
TLAT: That is so true.
MA: You know it man.
TLAT: So are you gonna try to destroy half the world or what?
MA: Ah ah ah...A master never reveals his plan. Let's just say I'm not, not going to destroy half the world.
TLAT: That makes no sense.
MA: Sense is what makes itself.
MA: Oh, I'm out...Hell's Kitchen is on and I never miss an episode.
TLAT: But I have just one more.....
MA: Good day sir.
TLAT: But I...
MA: I SAID GOOD DAY SIR!!
MA: See ya.
And so my interview ended. Unfortunately I think it was one of my worst. I got no straight answers and he basically mouthed off the whole time. What a jerk wad.