Sunday, June 18, 2006

My Advice To New Middle School Students

These are things I wish someone had told me on my first day of middle school...

* Beat up some random kid the first day. This shows bullies that even though you are a wussy looking kid, at least you are crazy.

* Always have a dollar in your pocket in case it's square pizza day in the cafeteria.

* This is your first experience with having a locker, don't make the same mistake I did and have a Saved By The Bell locker mirror, this draws bullies like you wouldn't believe.

* During math class, don't be the kid that raises your hand to answer the question first, this too draws bullies, plus it shows them that not only do you need a beating but you will do their homework in place of them beating you up.

* If a bully threatens to beat you up if you don't do his homework, beat up a random kid that is walking by...again this confirms that you are at least crazy.

* Guys, stare straight ahead at the urinal. This isn't a good time to have wandering eyes. Keep your eyes on your own work.

* Stay away from the basketball court at recess, that's where stuff happens that you want no part of.

* Do not fall asleep in class with your mouth open...You WILL wake up with a mouth full of foreign objects.

* If there is a fight in the hall, run towards it. Never be the kid that runs to tell an adult. Act upset when the fight gets broken up. This shows bullies that you aren't scared of a scuffle.

* Stay away from the "hot" girl at school. She is merely in training for a lifetime of ripping out boy's hearts and stomping on them.

Heed my advice. Actually nevermind, do your best to get homeschooled and avoid middle school all together.

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