Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Free Advice For Any Cable
News Station That Isn't Fox News

I am introducing a new segment here at the big TLAT. I am going to hand out free advice to those I deem are in need of it.
Fox news blows the other stations out of the water in ratings, often 2 to 1. In this case CNN and MSNBC need my help and I aims to give em some. So if you are a cable news channel and you aren't Fox News, listen up and take heed.

* CNN is a boring name. The Fox hunts out it's prey with extreme prejudice. It demands respect. CNN stands for "Cable News Network", that's like naming your son "Male Offspring". So I suggest a name change for CNN, possibly something like Viper News. "Here at Viper News, we hunt down news and inject our venom into it and kill it unmercifully so that you the viewer get the full story without the spin." Now that is a network that demands to be watched!

* MSNBC is a conglomerate of Microsoft and NBC. With the recent corporate scandals a lot of people don't trust large companies, especially Microsoft. NBC needs to find a new computer company to hook up with that won't bring up those memories of corporate greed. I suggest that NBC join up with the fine company that once was, Commodore 64. We may have to wait up to an hour for the station to load on our televisions but at least we won't be lining Bill Gates' pockets. Plus C64-NBC has a retro sound to it which is cool.

* The reason that Fox news gets such big ratings is because it isn't slanted to the left in their coverage. Before Fox came along the only opinion you could get on the TV or the radio was liberal. I think that people are refreshed by the fact that Fox isn't giving you false advertising about who they are, while CNN and MSNBC claim to be unbiased yet clearly lean to the left. So I suggest that CNN and MSNBC (or Viper news and C64-NBC, if they have already taken my first advice) start taking pride in their slanted coverage. They should have slogans that say who they are. I'd watch it then because I'd know what I was getting. The slogans could say it all, "CNN, liberal and loving it!" or "MSNBC, We still believe that Clinton did not have sex with Monica Lewinsky." Here are some bonus slogan ideas... "CNN, because terrorists are people too"...."Choose MSNBC for all your communist propaganda"....."We could say we don't want Hillary to be president, but then of course we'd be lying. We're CNN"...."MSNBC, watched by more ACLU activists and porn stars than any other network."

* Finally, CNN, Stop marking Vice Presidents with giant X's as if you would like to see them snubbed. That might help.

I hope that helps out the two underdogs. I mean it is pretty sad that CNN especially has been around so many years yet has fallen so badly in the ratings. And remember, my service is free of charge so no need to pay me for my highly useful advice. Thank you and good night!

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