Friday, October 28, 2005

My Conversation With Cindy Sheehan

It didn't surprise me much when Cindy Sheehan agreed to meet with me for an interview. I had two things going for me.. One, Mrs. Sheehan hasn't exactly been turning down any kind of interview, publicity, or chance to get on the TV even if it was for being arrested. Two, I had already met with Michael Moore who seems to be a fan of Mrs. Sheehan, and visa versa.
What did surprise me is that Cindy Sheehan wanted to meet at the same Arby's where I had met Michael Moore just weeks earlier. I wasn't sure if it just went along with her Moore obsession or if she just liked Beef N'Cheddars.
Mrs. Sheehan walked in wearing a red pant suit. As she came closer to the table where I had been sitting she removed the jacket to reveal a t-shirt that said simply, "Bush murdered my son." And so the interview began...

The Life And Times: Thank you so much for joining me today Mrs. Sheehan.

Cindy Sheehan: Oh Thank you. My pleasure.

TLAT: Could I offer you anything from the menu? I have an entertainment book that I bought from a student. I'd be happy to share the coupon with you. You can have anything equal or lesser than what I had, value wise.

CS: But you just had a small seasoned curlies, I'm not sure if I could even find anything of equal or lesser value than that.

TLAT: Hey, I don't write the coupons. But, I will be happy to buy you a coke.

CS: That's ok, I'll get my own. Michael Moore and George Soros give me an allowance each week.

TLAT: Wow.

CS: Want to know a secret?

TLAT: Sure.

CS: Sometimes I can convince George that Michael has not given me the allowance yet even though he has...on those weeks I'm looking at double allowance.

TLAT: Pretty sneaky.

CS: You know it!

TLAT: Ok, are you ready for the first question?

CS: Born ready.

TLAT: Do you actually believe that George W. Bush murdered your son?

CS: Does the Pope wear a funny hat? George Bush not only murdered my son, he murdered at least 2000 other people's sons also. I'm not sure how he did it, but I'm guessing he stabbed most of them, probably drowned the others..and we have at least one report of him running over a Marine with his car.

TLAT: Whoa! Let me get this straight. You believe that George Bush personally stabbed 2000 American troops?

CS: No! What did I just say? He stabbed most of them and drowned the others and ran over at least one with his Ford Focus.. Did I just start speaking Portuguese and not know it or something? Did I stutter?

TLAT: George Bush sent willing participants into a just war. None of these men and woman were forced, including your son. You say that Bush then went to Iraq and personally killed 2000 of them. You do realize how absurd that is don't you?

CS: Well maybe to a close-minded conservative like yourself. Our enemy has yet to fire their weapons, so clearly the U.S. is doing this. Probably for tax purposes.

TLAT: But wouldn't that give the Government less tax revenue?

CS: Look.. I don't have the details. I read that all from a 3 by 5 note card that George and Michael made for me. I even went down to Kinko's and had it laminated so that the edges wouldn't tear.

TLAT: I noticed. Very classy. Gives new meaning to the phrase "talking points."

CS: Hey. Michael told me that if you get too hostile with me that I should walk away form the table..Oh yeah and he said get him a number 4 large sized first.

TLAT: Michael Moore is in town?

CS: Yeah, he's actually out in the parking lot waiting in the car. See, there he is right there waving at you.

TLAT: huh, yep..there he is. (I give him the courtesy head nod.) He really does follow you around doesn't he?

CS: We've been dating for 3 months now actually. I brushed off his passes at me for a while but then he threatened to take away my allowance. When I even said no after that he sat on me for 23 hours straight until I cried uncle, and we've been dating ever since. It's how he gets dates with most women.

TLAT: Very cosmopolitan... Ok, I read on the Drudge Report that you have plans to chain your self to the White House. Is it true? And if so, what do you plan to accomplish by doing it?

CS: Of course it's true. We are gonna make a major statement with this one. Geroge s told me if I got arrested again that he may give me a bigger allowance. I didn't even know about the White House thing until the schedule came out.

TLAT: The schedule?

CS: Yeah George Soros has the schedule on the fridge at his house, it contains everything I have to do for that week. I woke up went downstairs to get some juice and saw that I was scheduled to chain myself to the White House. I asked George about it and he said that originally they had planned to have me chain myself to the Washington Monument but they couldn't get enough chain to go around the base.

TLAT: Makes sense. So again, what do you plan to accomplish by doing this?

CS: I plan to raise awareness for breast cancer

TLAT: Huh?

CS: Just kidding, I'm gonna chain myself to the fence and yell about Bush for killing people all over the world and stuff. If he doesn't hear me then I plan to go into the White House and sit in Bush's breakfast nook and force him to talk to me.

TLAT: haha... Do you really believe that you will make it past security to get in there.

CS: The fact that they have to have security is another testament to the fact that Bush is a homicidal maniac. He's victimized so many people that they have to have security guards.

TLAT: Maam, the Secret Service has existed since the beginning of the last century. They protect the President 24 hours a day.

CS: I think the fact that the service has to remain secret is suspect.

TLAT: ugh.

CS: Well, you'll see. When I chain myself to the White House my story will finally be known. My tale of murder and espionage by President Bush will finally be told. The American people will hear the story from the beginning to the end. And if they don't hear it, then they can read it. My new book coming out from Simon & Schuster publishing will be available for $29.95. Get your copy soon!

TLAT: You really are a media whore. Your son was a hero and doesn't deserve this.

CS: Well, that's it, I'm out of here!

TLAT: Thanks for the interview Mrs. Sheehan.

CS: Whatever..I'm getting Michael his #4 and then I'm gone. So talk to the hand.

TLAT: Does anyone say that anymore?

CS: Bush killed my son.

TLAT: Bye.

CS: Speaking of buy...don't forget $29.95, Simon & Schus....

TLAT: Bye

And so another interview has ended. I only hope that Cindy Sheehan is able to come down from her media high..It may not end well.

Who knows who I'll be interviewing next.

Bababooey.

* Celebrity voices and dialog were imitated.

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