Friday, September 09, 2005

Ways To Improve Tennis

* Make the court surface a deep plush carpeting and hire commentators that have deep "barry white" voices. This will give the game more sex appeal. "It's 30, Love baby....ohhhhhhhh yeaaaah."

* Shrink the racquets down to the size of a small paddle, lower the playing surface to the size of 10 Ft by 5 Ft area with a smaller net, raise the surface up on a table, finally make the ball a small plastic device....Have Asians play it really fast.

* Get a token Asian/black mixed guy to excel at the sport...Hey it worked for golf.

* Change the scoring system. For example instead of a score of 30 to Love the score will be 30 to Deep Appreciation.

* Get hecklers in the audience. I'd be more apt to watch if someone was yelling out insults and holding up signs that say stuff like "Not today Andre".

* Instead of just having them shake hands over the net at the end, the loser should have to sit up on one of those dunk tanks while the winner hit tennis balls at the target.

* Make the two opponents wear full football padding and gear. It'd look cool plus it would virtually elmininate the many senseless tennis related injuries that occur each year.

* Get a mascot named Dennis. "He's Dennis and he loves tennis!"

* They should play in any weather condition. "She goes back for the forearm...back......back....Oh she falls and splits her head open on the ice. And the crowd goes wild!!!"

* Hit your opponent in the head, win a set.

I'm out!


Anonymous said...

And yes, I noticed that you didn't have anything to say about their skimpy little tennis outfits!

markerfactory said...

You should also be able to win a set for hitting one of those little dweebs that run across the net and get the balls that are hit into it. They're such losers. At least who ever had the most ball-picker-upper hits could have that bragging right.

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