The Oscars are a pathetic self-congratulatory pat on the back that is just boring to those of us that are less than impressed with Hollywood. So here are my suggestions to make it watchable again...
* Make the ceremony 30 minutes long and then just show Cheers reruns for the next few hours. At least the stars could spend more time getting drunk and making fools out of themselves at the after party.
* Combine the Oscars, the Grammys, the Tonys, the Espy's the Golden Globes, and the People's Choice Awards into one long night...that way we get the silly "look at us, we're so great" awards night out of the way. Maybe Bono from U2 could host and we could make it a crappy night all around.
* Require all attendees to wear the same outfit, an IZOD polo shirt and a pair of khaki Dockers. Kind of a business casual event. This will end the pointless "Who are you wearing" carpet walk beforehand..It will now be universally "This is the J.C. Penny collection."
* Ban anyone from coming that has had plastic surgery. I bet the two guys left will put on quite a show.
* Ban any movie staring Morgan Freeman in which he is a detective that just wants to finish up this last case before retiring...this should free up some space.
* As the ceremony begins just do a blanket thank you to God and the academy..this will cut down on speech times.
* Take away the all you can eat buffet before so that Michael Moore will stay home...maybe he can finish up that movie about how Bush is a nazi because he once was seen in Germany and also has watched a movie about Hitler. That will be a good one!